Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
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My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
*limbos away from your hug*
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?