@hell_doe

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

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@simoncholland

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

@daemonic3

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

@petemandik

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

@briancthayer

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

@causticbob

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

@QwertyJones3

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

@MiahSaint

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

@squirrel74wkgn

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

@VaguelyFunnyDan

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

@MedusaOusa

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.