hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

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I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.


[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon


I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.


Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.


Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War


[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?


(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)


I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.