hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
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Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?