Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
You Might Also Like
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
pelicons
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.