How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
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Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.