I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
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As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo