It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
How does one answer this?
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?