I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
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It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture