Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
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8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I have two kinds of followers
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match