Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
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My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Canada has crack?
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”