*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
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My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
That’s what I call a flat tire
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.