BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
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“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.