I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
You Might Also Like
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled