i hope this email finds you fast and furious
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I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?