My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
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Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
no such thing as a dumb question
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Me, flirting😏
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.