Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
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[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???