I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
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Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Waiting for the Charmin
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn