ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
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He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
I wish I could veto my bills.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.