What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
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to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
spot the difference
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate