What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
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paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
birds and squirrels envy us
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This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:![]()
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
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Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?