This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
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Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A