Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
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captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram