him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
This is my cat’s medicine.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.