him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.