if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
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Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
okay run it by me one more time
is it earth
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
December birthdays be like…
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”