December birthdays be like…
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Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
how was your vacation
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.