If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
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Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Left at a local drug store…
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
The two types of wives