every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
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Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.