every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
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“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
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ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.