Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@lottiegwalker

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

@abbycohenwl

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

@CourtneyBale

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

@CafeinatedBacon

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

@marinhubka

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

@Parkerlawyer

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

@wolfmannjr

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

@JasonLastname

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

@JoParkerBear

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

@castawaykristen

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.