Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
You Might Also Like
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.