My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
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If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”