Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
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I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.