Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
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When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
reduce, reuse, recycle