lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
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Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.