me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Doggies just call it style.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.