You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
You Might Also Like
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.