You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
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My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.