I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
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Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
There’s only one good girl here!
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.