@jlestos

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

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@dlicj

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

@MsLisaM

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

@awkwardphilippe

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

@DevilryFun

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

@furbyburglar

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

@Jsheff001

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

@krisv_723

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

@SadPeruna

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”