my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
You Might Also Like
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Why do you want to be Jedi?
[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”