Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
You Might Also Like
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
water it, i dare you
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*