@dlicj my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
@jlestos Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
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@dlicj 
@MsLisaM Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
@dafloydsta [couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
@awkwardphilippe [Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
@DevilryFun My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
@furbyburglar I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
@jackiecarbajal *walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
@Jsheff001 The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
@krisv_723 Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
@SadPeruna If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”