Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
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Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
gm
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I had to Stop for this
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return