Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
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Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
u spoke cat all this time??????
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.