“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*