“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
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Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
no
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?