Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
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Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football