I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
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I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Chicago sounds lovely.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”