“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
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Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar