Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
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What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.