Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
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The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky