Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
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Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Oceanography is all about current events
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?