Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house