Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
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I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
This is a whole mood;
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.