Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
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Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.