If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
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Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that