If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
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“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line