She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
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wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.