Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
You Might Also Like
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.