Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes