[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
You Might Also Like
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
“What?”
– Jude
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Sending in my taxes
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.